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B.A. Blackwood is the author of the Siren Song trilogy, a trial lawyer, a marathon runner, and indentured servant to her two couch potato pugs, Waldo and Jonesy.

Why Jennifer Lawrence Tripped at the Oscars: One Pug’s Sincere Apology

I have an apology to make. You see, I’m the reason Jennifer Lawrence tripped and fell on her way to receive her Best Actress Oscar.

Oops.

Jennifer LawrenceYou see, I’m star struck. I watch the Academy Awards every year. I’d give my left – well, you know, to be able to go to the Oscars. (Actually, I’ve already given my left AND right against my will at the hands of Dr. Martin, but that’s a whole other story). I’ve seen every Oscar nominated movie, and I mean EVERY one: feature documentary, short documentary, animated feature, animated short, best production design – well, you get the drift.  How many Academy members do you think actually watch those things? If anyone deserved to go on sheer work, it would be me.

Anyway, I really wanted to go. Every year I try to think of someone who can get me an invite, but everyone with connections mysteriously quits returning my phone calls when Oscar season rolls around and I hear whispering at the dog park behind my back, words like “obsessed” and “star struck” and “celebrity hound.”

As if there’s anything wrong with that.

So, I filled out my private Oscar ballots, placed my bet in the office pool, and resigned myself to watching the ceremonies from home. Again.

Then a week before the Academy Awards, I saw on the History channel that a dog hid under Marie Antoinette’s skirts as she went to her death, giving new meaning to the idea of man’s best friend. The executioner didn’t even know the dog was there until the poor guy ran out after the guillotine dropped, startled by the crunching sound of his mistress’s head being chopped off.

After I quit gagging over the image of Marie Antoinette’s disembodied noggin, I had a genuinely brilliant idea. Someone was bound to wear a certifiably HUGE skirt to the Oscars– I just had to be on the spot to take advantage of it.

I planned the operation with military precision. One of my buddies knows a guy who knows a guy at the theatre, and he snagged a copy of the seating chart for me so I could see who would be sitting on the front row or on the aisles, seats which would make it far easier for me to remain undiscovered. Then I watched E! News every night to see their predictions on what kinds of dresses the stars would wear and did the math.

Math Equation (proprietary and copyrighted)

S   x   Y/10 + Q   x  .10 = Z

S = # of times Target Wore Big Skirt at other 2013 awards ceremonies

Y = # of seats from the aisle

Q = bonus of 5 if seated on front row

Z = Odds expressed as a percentage of a particular star being my ticket to the Oscars

After hours of calculation, Jennifer Lawrence looked like the most likely candidate with a score of 88.3%. Added bonus? Ms. Lawrence is such a good sport that I figured if I got caught she wouldn’t have me killed.

So, I told my mom I was spending the night with a friend, and then hot-footed it over to the Dolby Theatre. I saw several big skirt opportunities before Jennifer Lawrence got there – Jennifer Aniston, Amy Adams, Kristin Chenoweth –  but decided to wait it out. And then Jennifer Lawrence arrived.

Perfection!

I waited until she’d been totally arranged by her “team” with the dress beautifully draped in preparation to walk down the red carpet, and then slunk under the skirt and tiptoed along with her as she made her way through the crowd over to Ryan Seacrest.

It was actually quite roomy under the dress. I watched her feet and managed to stop when she did without a single slip. We sashayed down the red carpet and to our seat on the front row, all exactly as planned. She never even knew I was there. I settled on the floor and managed to flip up a section of the skirt so I could peek out from under and watch the show.

Can you say “best time of my life”! It was a total blast. I even snagged some snacks that fell to the floor. Who knew all those celebrities carry so much candy in their evening bags!

Jennifer Lawrence fallingThat’s why I felt SO bad about what happened. You see, I just didn’t count on the steps. I knew she might win, but I didn’t think about trying to navigate stairs while staying under the skirt. And, frankly, when they said her name, all the applause kind of went to my head. I got distracted and made a tiny miscalculation on how far I needed to be back when she raised her foot to go up the second step. I ran into her ankle just as she was lifting it and she went down. Hard.

Utter mortification.

So, Ms. Lawrence, I’m really, really sorry. I’ll never, ever do it again. A dozen roses are coming your way – they’ll be the ones with the paw print on the card.

Apologetic pug

P.S. Congrats on the Oscar!

 

Comments

  1. I love your blog.. very nice colors & theme. Did you make this website yourself or did you hire someone to do it for
    you? Plz reply as I’m looking to design my own blog and would like to find out where u got this from. many thanks

    • B.A. Blackwood says:

      Thanks! I actually hired someone to do it for me. It’s on a wordpress platform, and they’ve got some great stuff if you’re designing it yourself. Good luck!

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